The "It's been a Year" post

This time last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer and our lives were changed in a heartbeat. One day I was living my normal life, the next I was a statistic ... one of the 'one-in-nine's. As my long suffering readers will know, I was fortunate that it was caught early enough for successful treatment ...
but oh, my goodness, what a year it has been for us all.

For the first few months, life passed in a blur .... with so many hospital appointments, the operation and radiotherapy treatments ....  flowers, cards, gifts and people calling to see how you are. But then it all stopped, and I was on my own really. I found that, after all the treatment had ended, while my body was healing .... my mind was in a total mess ...  people think you're fine because it's all over, but I was in a much worse state afterwards. Only my closest family knew how I mixed up I was.

I despise taking the Tamoxifen, which might be keeping the cancer at bay, but has given me no end of miserable side effects ... from sleeplessness to constant mouth ulcers, and more ....
There's no question of not taking it for another four years, so I'm just learning to live with it.
I've had terrible ups and downs ... I'm blaming the medication but it might just be that I've turned into a 'grumpy old woman' because I'm a whole year older! I've turned into a right moaner ...

I struggled going back to work ... although I don't actually mind the job when I'm there, I find it difficult having to get up at 6 am these days, and driving for 40 minutes through heavy traffic to get there, and I hate the fact that there aren't enough hours in the day.... I long to spend more time at home.
And in work itself ... five months on, I still feel I'm on a different page from every one else. When they're all stressing about trivial things, I find I couldn't care less .... because I found out, the hard way, that there's far more important things in life than which colour exercise books we should get for next year. Some things are just not important enough to agonise over.
I like being with the children, but my relationship with a few of the staff has changed completely. I just can't be bothered with some of them ... isn't that terrible! Having six months out of the workplace has changed the way I see things in so many ways.

Oh my goodness, what a miserable post!!!

Let's look at some positives .....

* I am cancer free!!! A mammogram a few weeks ago was clear!
* This week, for the first time in ages, I actually feel quite well again. I don't feel as tired because I've been sleeping a bit better.
* I try to make the best of every day, and try to do something nice, even if it's only walking the dog in the evening.
* My husband and I make a conscious effort to spend much more time together now and we have a 'date' night each Wednesday, as well as something nice at the weekend
* I always have something arranged to look forward to ... we've made sure that we are living our lives now and not letting it slip through our fingers. We're very much in the 'You only get one go at this life" frame of mind!
* I'm changing year groups in September ... to give myself a fresh challenge with new topics to teach (and to move away from staff who are 'too stressy' for my new life)
* We've planned a date when I can retire ... a few years off yet, but not too far! I can see the end in sight!!!

I feel like I'm finally emerging from a very dark place ... maybe this first anniversary will let me put it all behind me and move on at last.... and I'll try not to mention it again!

October is Breast Awareness Month

There have been lots of posts in blogland about being 'breast aware', but to my knowledge nobody has mentioned mammograms.

If you are over 50 and live in the UK you should have regular mammogram appointments sent to you. If you haven't had one find out why!!! Make a fuss!

Never, ever, ever
miss an appointment!

I'm speaking from experience ...

The mammogram I had in May detected a lump so small, I couldn't feel it.
It was caught before it could do any further damage.
After 4 months of treatment I'm now well on the road  to recovery.
It hasn't been easy, but I'm here to tell the tale!
The earlier a cancer is caught, the easier it is to treat!

Life is Good!

Back to the hospital today for an appointment with my consultant. Life is looking very good indeed, and I don't need to see him anymore.... in fact, he said that if all cancers had been like mine, there wouldn't be any problems with breast cancer. My illness has caused no end of heartache and worry for our family over the past four months.... so I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for those women who haven't been as fortunate as me.
I'm feeling much more positive about the future and I just need to recover fully from the treatment now.
I still feel like I'm living in slow motion some days ... but it is getting much better!

Meanwhile, I've got plenty of time to dabble in Blogland.

I'm taking part in the Autumn Swap organised by craftyhelenathome and I'm looking forward to seeking out some goodies and maybe even crafting a few things myself. Watch this space!

There's a super giveaway going on over at Garden of Daisies.

I promised I'd mention it here, so you can pop over and have a closer look.

Heather, from The Patchwork Heart is organising a get together for us Northerners some time in late October or maybe November. There's a few of us from the Wirral and some Yorkshire ladies who have already signed up. We think we can drive about as far as York or Harrogate comfortably or maybe people would like to travel over to this side of the Pennines. The plan is to have a lovely time drinking coffee, eating cake and chatting. If you think you would like to join us, contact Heather.... or leave a message here, and I'll pass it on to her. I'm looking forward to meeting lots of my Blog friends!

I'm so excited!

Radiotherapy ~ Day 25 (9:05) THE LAST ONE!!!!!

I've just returned from the hospital after having my last treatment ..

I can't describe the feeling of joy I have bubbling inside me!

It's like Christmas, and birthdays and the first day of the summer holidays and everything wonderful all mixed together!

I'm going to do today's blog later on ... I just had to share my happiness

My Hopes and Dreams for the next 365 days

Well, my '25 things in 25 days' challenge is finished. .... and I've reached my rainbow after all the rain on the way!

When I started this I was on Day 1 of my treatment and I felt as though I was in a dark tunnel with no way out .... I couldn't see the light at the end. Blogging every day has given me something to focus on away from the hospital appointments and some of the topics really made me think ...

and none more so than this last one ... about my hopes and dreams...

I hope this treatment has worked ... everything so far indicates that it has been successful ...

I hope I can learn to live without the word CANCER shouting in my head when I wake up every morning....

I hope I will be able to read an article or hear a news story about 'someone else's cancer' without losing confidence in my own recovery ...

I hope I remember all the wonderful things that happened to me in the past 4 months and not just the bad things.... above all the love of my family and friends who have been with me every step of the way....the lovely people I met at the hospital ....

and the kindness of people who I didn't know at all, but now feel like my friends ( yes, that's all you wonderful people in blogworld who took the time to read my ramblings and left such uplifting comments of hope and support)

I hope that I can remember to live for the moment ...

that it's the smallest things in life that can give you the greatest pleasure.

I hope that my life will be back to normal very soon ... returning to work (normally not something I'd be too excited about) but this time it will mean I'm well.... (but I hope I don't get bogged down again in the daily grind).

And my dreams ... well, they haven't changed

I dream of us winning the lottery and buying a house in the Lake District ...

or near a beach...

... with a holiday home maybe in Paris

More realistically, I dream of a long uninterrupted summer holiday next year ... six weeks away with our caravan travelling through Switzerland and France.

And best of all ...

I feel that I'm able to have hopes and dreams for the future!

My day in great detail ...

Radiotherapy ~ Day 24 (9:05)

6.15 Wake up feeling tired, another night of broken sleep

7.00 Can't get back to sleep so I get up

7.05 take my medication with a glass of cold water - two months ago the thought of this upset me a lot, but I don't even think about it now, it's just part of my daily routine.

While Mr B. takes Inca out for her morning walk, I get her food ready. When she comes back she thinks the 'food fairies' have been .....

7.30 Time for my shower, I dry my hair and get dressed in my best jeans and a new stripy T-shirt which has a sparkly heart on the front. Mr. B. thinks it's very amusing. I take no notice and put it on anyway!

8.15 I have my breakfast of muesli and berries and fruit tea, watching the BBC news

8.45 Mr B. drives me to the hospital.

This is my 24th appointment at radiotherapy, my second to last.

 I've been doing this every week day since 28th July.

9.20 No delays today and I'm called in quite quickly. The session lasts about ten minutes and the actual beam of radiation only about 20 seconds in total. I discuss care of my skin with the radiographer and she gives me some new cream to rub in.

9.45 I leave the hospital, yet again feeling so greatful that my cancer has been 'well behaved'. If you are ever feeling sorry for yourself, one glance around an oncology waiting room will make you realise how lucky you are.

10.00 Arrive at M&S Food store in Heswall to purchase a picnic. It's a beautiful day and we are going to make the most of it. Mr. B. is going back to work tomorrow after the miserable wet summer holidays and wouldn't you know the sun is blazing!!! So, we're off to Wales to enjoy our last day out for a while.

By 12 noon we're eating our picnic at Betwys-y-coed sitting on the rocks above the river, in the warmest sunshine we've had all summer ... bliss! Mr. B. goes browsing in the outdoor shops - visiting expensive coats and sleeping bags, that he doesn't need, but likes to see that they are still there ... for 'one day'!

I buy these little chaps for our dragon project that we will do in school  after Christmas.

Next stop ... Harlech Castle

Now, we do like a good castle ... and this one proved to be a very good castle indeed. Mr. B. bought the guidebook and proceded to read it very carefully examining the entrance for the portcullis grooves and the arrow windows ... looking at every detail

He does this in every castle we ever visit ... he is an expert on castle gateways .. but then loses interest and we just wander around the rest of the site ... going up and down winding staircases and gazing through arched windows.

The views from the top of the towers are breathtaking ... and it takes your breath away climbing the stairs to reach the top!

We stroll around the little town, and find some lovely little antique/vintage shops to browse in, but nothing takes our fancy today and we head off to the beach.

... and yes, I was straight in for a paddle. The water was lovely and warm!

Next stop was Barmouth, quite a big, bustling town full of holiday makers soaking up the sun... with more good shops and a fantastic beach.

We've never been to this part of Wales before, and we were so impressed with the whole area ... the scenery is stunning, and the beaches are wonderful. We think we might come back to stay with the caravan in the future....

Time to set off home, and we drive across country past Lake Bala, through Ruthin and Mold and finally back onto the Wirral.

7.15 Home again, and we unpack the car. Inca gives us a huge welcome. She stayed  with our lovely young man today .. and missed out on a paddle in the sea.

We eat a quick meal of pasta and Mr B relaxes after all the driving he's done today.

I catch up on some texts from friends asking how my treatment is going and we make plans for a meal out very soon.

9.20 I'm at the laptop writing about my day .. and will be in bed by 10 pm at the latest.

It's been a lovely day!

Whatever takes your fancy ....

Radiotherapy - Day 13 (11:30)

How are you feeling today?

Have you been feeling a little apprehensive?

                               

I don't consider myself to be superstitious at all ....

but ...

I have worn my faith, hope and love bracelet

at every radiotherapy treatment so far.

It was given to me by friends at the start of all this,

and somehow it feels good to wear it.

My 13th day of treatment has fallen on Friday 13th

It's a significant day for me

because ...

now...

 I'm halfway through!

Hooray!!!!

I went for a celebration lunch with a very good friend,

we ended up spending 5 hours talking!!!!

The Simulation Appointment

This afternoon I had a gruelling few hours in Oncology to plan my radiotherapy treatment.
This involved a 40 minute wait in a cramped, hot, stuffy room with lots of people coughing around me,
before being called into the radiotherapy simulation room ... where I was asked questions like
"Do you know why you're here?" and "Do you think you could be pregnant?"  ....    really???

After what seemed like hours ....
of lying perfectly still on a hard bed with my arm raised above my head,
while people drew on me with different coloured pens ...
and the bed moving up and the bed moving down
and then up again
and great machines moved around me whirring
and beams of green light shooting across me
with lights going on and lights going off
and people leaving the room and whispering behind a panel about numbers and angles
suddenly it all went quiet ...

oh yes,

joy of joys,

the mighty machine had broken down ...

just like at home when your computer freezes
everything stopped
and I was left on the hard bed with my arm above my head ....
for a long time .....
getting cold...
while they whispered some more.
Eventually they decided to try another machine.

The bed had been left so high they had to send for a set of steps to get me down ...
obviously this is a normal occurence ...
why else would a set of steps be waiting in the wings ready to spring into action?

So ...
I had to get dressed  ...
go back to the hot stuffy waiting room ...
and wait till I was called ...

to start all over again.

This time it seemed to go much better ...
and they seemed happy with the results.
Apparently I have a very good chest wall!!!
I've never been told that before!!!
Then I had to have two tattoos to mark the exact position for the beams to line up with.
Nothing fancy, just two black freckles ...

should I have asked for a dolphin or a rose
or maybe the names of my children?

I emerged two hours late clutching a list of twenty five appointments for radiotherapy
starting on the 28th July (our wedding anniversary)
stretching through until September 1st.

I came home and sobbed like I've never sobbed before.

Reality Check ...

This post is probably going to be one long whinge so if you don't want to be depressed, look away now.

This week I've been facing up to my diagnosis of cancer. Six weeks on, the initial shock has worn off, everyone knows about it now, I've had my operation ... which was very successful .... but now I've got the future to face up to.

Yes, I know, I should be dancing on the moon because I do have a future .... but the future is not the one I had planned.
I'm going to have five weeks of daily radiotherapy sessions over the summer .... I'm told that's going to take a toll on my skin. Apparently, it's like getting a dose of sunburn...... for 25 days. We usually go to the South of France in the holidays ... this year we're going to the oncology department in Clatterbridge Hospital. 

That is depressing enough, but I know that will pass and I will recover from it.
My energy levels will return, and I will go back to work some time before Christmas.

What upsets me the most, and has given me the most heartache is this damn stuff ....

which I have to take every day for 5 years.... yes that's five years!!!!

That's one thousand, eight hundred and twenty five tablets!!!

Until July 2015!!!

I never take tablets of any form, unless I'm absolutely desperate,

I can't bear the thought of the chemicals inside me.

The list of side effects makes my blood run cold ....

flushes and sweats

nausea and indigestion

weight gain and bloating

skin rashes

itchiness

dry skin

leg cramps

depression

tiredness and dizziness

headaches

thrombosis

blurred vision

sore throats

mouth and throat ulcers

(after only two tablets I have the worst sore throat and ulcers I've had for a long time ..... great start!)

and here is the best one of all

it could increase the chances of uterine cancer!!!!!

On the plus side, it can lower the levels of fat in your blood and it may reduce the risk of osteoporosis ....

.... and of course, it greatly increases my chances of living to tell the tale!

Now for the science bit ....

My cancer, like most breast cancers, was reactive to the female hormone oestrogen and tamoxifen will actively prevent the chance of oestrogen-receptor-positive cancers coming back after surgery.

This week my consultant explained how rare some of the more scary side effects are, and if you think about it sensibly, in the cold light of day .... I have no choice.

If I want a full recovery, or a complete cure, as my medical team refer to it, I have no choice.

I have to take it!

My lovely daughter hates me to be sad, so I hope she understands when she reads this, that I can't be happy about everything. There are days when I'm frightened ... there are days when I feel overwhelmed ... and there are days when I do feel sad.....

I am heartily sick of it hijacking my life and being the major topic of conversation!!!

Yes, I know I'm so, so fortunate ....

and I know I shouldn't be moaning when there are so many people who don't have my future ....

I only have to look around me in the oncology centre to appreciate what I have .... 

but this week the reality of living with this diagnosis has really hit home.

On a happier note, my lovely boy has returned from his skateboarding trip to Barcelona in one piece.

I picked him up at the airport yesterday.

Have you ever seen the film "the Lost Boys"?

It's a cult eighties film about a group of young vampires

Well, my boy and his crew put me in mind of that film ....

they were mostly dressed in black, they were bedraggled and dishevelled and very pale

(maybe I nagged too much about the perils of the sun),

and very, very tired.

I took a group of them home and they all fell asleep in the car!!!

I don't think they've slept or eaten properly for a week ....

but they are all home safe and sound!

I think they had a good time....

Oh the joys of being 17!

Busy Days ....

I've had a very busy few days and haven't found the time to blog .....

How can that be when I'm not working at the moment and should have all the time in the world!!!!

We spent Thursday afternoon here ... talking through my future treatment and I found it all a bit upsetting to be honest. I think having the operation is the easy bit! Maybe, the reality of it all has finally hit home and, although everything is still fine and I'm in a very good position, I've got a lot ahead of me in the coming months. So I just need to stay calm and take each day as it comes.

Luckily, my friends from work arrived at just the right time to take me out for a meal here in Heswall .... at my favourite restaurant.... and I was able to forget my troubles for a bit. We had booked an early table but were still there hours later .... drinking soft drinks in the bar area. Chatting to friends really does help!

On Friday my daughter took me to Chester for the afternoon where we indulged in a little browsing.... and cake eating! Her boss gave her two days off work to come home and spend some time with me.

Wasn't that thoughtful? We've had a lovely few days together.

On Saturday afternoon a friend came round with two books for me to read.

They really need a whole post to themselves some other time.

The author has survived 5 lots of  breast cancer herself, and advocates changing your diet to fight back.

They've certainly given me something to think about.

Today we popped along to our local farm shop

and bought some goodies ....

....organic chicken and eggs, mushroom risotto, soya milk, green tea and two cordials to try out ....

I fancied pomegranate and elderberry and my daughter chose lavender cordial!

We were both intrigued by that one but haven't tasted it yet.

When we got to the counter we were seduced by the taste of these wonderful organic strawberries which are grown at the farm ...

They taste like strawberries used to when I was a child ...just wonderful!

Meanwhile my lovely boy has gone here ...

Barcelona ...

with 14 friends and their ....

.... skateboards!!!!!

I can't let myself think about it!

Great News!

As this is a milestone post ... my one hundredth .... I thought I would use it to share some wonderful news.

I've had my results from my operation .... and they show that the tumour was 1cm (Stage 1) as predicted.

It was successfully removed and the margins around the area are clear and ..... 

best of all ...

 .....it hasn't spread to my lymph nodes!

We are all absolutely delighted with the news!!!!

.

I've still got a course of radiotherapy ahead of me and possibly some drug treatment too, but I'll know more when we've been to the next hospital appointment on Thursday.

Meanwhile my scars are healing slowly and I'm feeling really, really good at the moment

I've started driving again and I'm enjoying my regained independence.

I managed to meet up with my good friend Julie while she was on a residential course for new deputy heads at a location quite close to my home.

 I haven't seen her for a month and it was great to catch up with all the gossip!

As an ordinary teacher, I've never been on a course in a place as gorgeous as this one ...

Inglewood Manor is a fabulous venue .... in the very heart of the Wirral. It is popular for weddings and conferences and has the most elegant driveway sweeping up to the manor house.

Shades of Miss Austen, I think.

You can just imagine the carriages arriving for a ball!