This week I've been facing up to my diagnosis of cancer. Six weeks on, the initial shock has worn off, everyone knows about it now, I've had my operation ... which was very successful .... but now I've got the future to face up to.
Yes, I know, I should be dancing on the moon because I do have a future .... but the future is not the one I had planned.
I'm going to have five weeks of daily radiotherapy sessions over the summer .... I'm told that's going to take a toll on my skin. Apparently, it's like getting a dose of sunburn...... for 25 days. We usually go to the South of France in the holidays ... this year we're going to the oncology department in Clatterbridge Hospital.
That is depressing enough, but I know that will pass and I will recover from it.
My energy levels will return, and I will go back to work some time before Christmas.
What upsets me the most, and has given me the most heartache is this damn stuff ....
which I have to take every day for 5 years.... yes that's five years!!!!
That's one thousand, eight hundred and twenty five tablets!!!
Until July 2015!!!
I never take tablets of any form, unless I'm absolutely desperate,
I can't bear the thought of the chemicals inside me.
The list of side effects makes my blood run cold ....
flushes and sweats
nausea and indigestion
weight gain and bloating
skin rashes
itchiness
dry skin
leg cramps
depression
tiredness and dizziness
headaches
thrombosis
blurred vision
sore throats
mouth and throat ulcers
(after only two tablets I have the worst sore throat and ulcers I've had for a long time ..... great start!)
and here is the best one of all
it could increase the chances of uterine cancer!!!!!
On the plus side, it can lower the levels of fat in your blood and it may reduce the risk of osteoporosis ....
.... and of course, it greatly increases my chances of living to tell the tale!
Now for the science bit ....
My cancer, like most breast cancers, was reactive to the female hormone oestrogen and tamoxifen will actively prevent the chance of oestrogen-receptor-positive cancers coming back after surgery.
This week my consultant explained how rare some of the more scary side effects are, and if you think about it sensibly, in the cold light of day .... I have no choice.
If I want a full recovery, or a complete cure, as my medical team refer to it, I have no choice.
I have to take it!
My lovely daughter hates me to be sad, so I hope she understands when she reads this, that I can't be happy about everything. There are days when I'm frightened ... there are days when I feel overwhelmed ... and there are days when I do feel sad.....
I am heartily sick of it hijacking my life and being the major topic of conversation!!!
Yes, I know I'm so, so fortunate ....
and I know I shouldn't be moaning when there are so many people who don't have my future ....
I only have to look around me in the oncology centre to appreciate what I have ....
but this week the reality of living with this diagnosis has really hit home.
On a happier note, my lovely boy has returned from his skateboarding trip to Barcelona in one piece.
I picked him up at the airport yesterday.
Have you ever seen the film "the Lost Boys"?
It's a cult eighties film about a group of young vampires
Well, my boy and his crew put me in mind of that film ....
they were mostly dressed in black, they were bedraggled and dishevelled and very pale
(maybe I nagged too much about the perils of the sun),
and very, very tired.
I took a group of them home and they all fell asleep in the car!!!
I don't think they've slept or eaten properly for a week ....
but they are all home safe and sound!
I think they had a good time....
Oh the joys of being 17!
Blog daily, we are with you every day! Tell us the shit days and the sunny days.........we are with you on both of them, a combination of them and any shades in between! Your prognosis is good eventhough your energy will wane sometimes, even if there is just one word.........just blog it! There is a mass of people who care and will, even though from a distance, walk this rocky path with you.....all my love, Jane, Frugal Queen xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. I feel I must leave you a comment but don't really know what to say.
ReplyDeleteI will just send a ((hug)) and be thinking of you.
Dawn
xx
Ok I am not going to say yes you should be happy for the chance you have, what I will say is life sucks and you are going to feel very very down at times, easy for strangers to say chin up and pull yourself together.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do have more good days than bad, and I am sending cyber hugs because thats all I can do.
Love
Lyn
xxx
I am so sorry that you have been hit with this bombshell. I know that you can't abide the thought of all those chemicals inside you but I guess we bombard our bodies with chemicals everyday without even knowing we are!!! With regards to the radiotherapy, could you maybe treat yourself to a really good quality moisturizer to help protect your skin? I wish you all the best Kathy. x
ReplyDeleteKathy.I can only try and understand what you are going through but it must be so difficult.It's the disappointment that life in the immediate future is not what you planned or expected.I am sure you are feeling. that it's not fair and why me.Two of my friends have just reached the 5 year mark after surgery,chemo and radiotherapy and the ensuing drug regime.Following the initial dire treatment they both seemed to grasp life with both hands and lived it to the full.I am sure you will start feeling better once the radiotherapy has started and you can start to tick days off.I'm still shocked by your news so how you and ypur family are coping I can't begin to think.Good luck.I am sure you are surrounded by wonderful family and friends and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteSorry you feel so down - its awful for you (and for your family to watch you). Promise yourself a good holiday to make up for the South of France when you have finished your radiotherapy. Trust that you are in good hands and allow yourself to "go with the flow". Get your family to help find you a distraction. It will make you all feel a bit better. I'm thinking about you Kathy. xxxx
ReplyDeleteYou are perfectly entitled to rant and rage, you have been dealt a really bum hand and it is truly unfair. I can only appreciate second hand from friends who have been through a similar situation that the immediate future looks grim but I can say that these friends have all come through the worst and are now fit and well. Do keep blogging and remember that you have your online friends rooting for you too.
ReplyDeleteI think I mentioned on an earlier post that my best friend went through this a few years ago - at this time of year too - she too felt low when the treatment had to begin and the daily 'having to' of the routine and medication. She got through each week with little treats at the weekend - just small things she wanted to do or to see or achieve. As Diane says - plan a later holiday somewhere you've always wanted to go as a huge treat. Take care, Rosiexx
ReplyDelete